Peanut's On The Menu
by Ex Mentis
Summary: Part of the 'Love After Love' universe. The Rook-Tennyson's are the world's greatest crime-fighting family, but one particular member has a problem with collateral damage to his surroundings. So, they call in a celebrity to help boost their image. Of course, things go to hell in a handbasket before any real work gets done! BRoken (Rook/Ben), slash, M/M.


**From the creative minds (myself and bbb35 from DeviantArt) that have been bringing you Love After Love Drabbles, I am pleased and proud to present this little masterpiece that, while part of the Love After Love Universe, needed it's own attention. This fic is a parody of season 2 episode 20 of 'The Nanny': "Lamb Chop's On The Menu". I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

**-Peanut's On The Menu-**

It was a normal day in the Rook-Tennyson household. Over the years that Ben and Rook had been saving the world, they'd gained a number of endorsement deals to pay for the necessities of life: housing, food, electricity, and the like. Rook's _ma'jun_ (godmother), Vanessa, had moved from Rhevonnah to work as Ben's public relations representative. It was her work that kept the endorsement deals coming! Grandpa Max was also living with them and helped keep the house clean, often employing the kids to aid him since most of the mess was made by them!

Currently, Ben was in his office with Vanessa. The two were looking over invoices from the mayor of Belwood citing Ben for destruction of various properties. It couldn't be helped; fighting bad guys and being a damn fine hero required environmental destruction! Thank heavens for those endorsements! Max was over in a corner setting up a tray of bizarre alien snacks for Ben and Vanessa to munch on. "You can't work on an empty stomach, Ben," he'd said earlier, "which is why I've prepared a bowl of fried ale'gesian dune worms!"

Rook walked into the office and said, "Ben, I just wanted to remind you that on Tuesday I have to take Rook Da to the Bunion Clinic."

Ben was never so happy to see his husband in his life! Finally, a distraction from the invoices and the...worms. Still, Ben found it odd that Rook needed to remind him of this; he didn't need to know anything about his father-in-law's feet. Looking up from his paper work Ben said, "Oh, thank God you reminded me!" Ben then quickly dug through the pile of invoices to get to his date book, after grabbing a pen, began to make scribbling motions; he didn't actually write anything on it. "Meeting with Highbreed Supreme, conference with Magister Patelliday, husband and father-in-law at Bunion Center!" Ben said, dictating what he was pretending to write.

Rook looked at Ben disapprovingly; his husband had become quite sarcastic in his middle age. "Ben, this is a very serious matter," Rook said, "My Father has a thumb growing out the side of his foot!"

Vanessa looked up at Ben and with a grin said, "I heard he can't wear socks anymore, he has to wear a mitten! Now, on to more serious matters: I have to move out of my apartment so I can get my floors redone and I cannot find a kennel!"

Max turned to Vanessa with narrowed eyes and a smirk and said, "Ohhh, treat yourself to a hotel!"

Max and Vanessa did not get along; they had vastly different personalities and spent all day bickering and insulting each other. According to Max, Vanessa was a stuck-up, arrogant, man of a woman. According to Vanessa, Max was a washed-up, bloated, dictator who didn't know how to lay back and let loose.

Vanessa gave Max a withering look and said, "Not me, my dog!"

"Bandit?" Ben asked, remembering the small vulpimancer puppy Vanessa owned. "You're gonna put Bandit in a cage somewhere? Oh, I think that's terrible to take a dog out of its warm and loving environment!" Ben then suddenly remembered that Vanessa wasn't exactly a 'warm and loving' person...perhaps a kennel would be the best thing for Bandit.

"I would, but it's nearly impossible to find one," Vanessa explained, taking on a sheepish look. "He sorta got...banned...from the ones in the city."

"If only they'd ban you," Max quipped.

"Don't you have a skyscraper to climb and a young woman to terrify?" Vanessa replied to Max.

Vanessa shook her head as she got up to sort through folders, long black hair draping over her face, giving her a despondent look. Vanessa was a humanoid alien (though you couldn't tell, she looked exactly like a human) Sorceress who, at one time, lived on Revonnah due to a very close friendship with Rook's parents.

Ben felt bad for Vanessa. The woman was an absolute pain in the ass, always criticizing everything about him and giving terrible advice to his teenaged children! But she did help out around the house sometimes, looked after the kids when Rook and Ben had to leave for a mission, and she was his Agent. That said, Ben absolutely adored Bandit; he was the sweetest, cutest, most awesome vulpimancer puppy in the world! With that in mind, Ben said, "Hey, Vanessa, why don't you just leave Bandit here with us for a couple of days?"

Immediately, Rook's eyes widened comically, and he frantically mouthed the word "No" to Ben. Vanessa's back was to Rook, explaining why she didn't see him, but he wasn't aware of the mirror near Ben reflecting his horrified expression on its surface.

Vanessa smiled at Ben and said, "That's a wonderful idea!"

Ignoring Rook, Ben smiled and said, "Well, you know how much he loves me and he really wouldn't be any bother at all. Besides, I don't care for pets being in kennels...not since my cousin, Ray, put his German shepard, King, into a cage with male poodles." Ben's eyes became hooded as he gave a wry smirk. "P.S. _All_ hopes of breeding him were lost."

That just got a blank stare from Rook, stopping his arm waving when he heard his 'Heart's Flames' strange anecdote.

"Oh, you don't mind, do you, Rook?" Vanessa asked, having clearly seen Rook's antics. She loved her godson with all her heart, but the boy could be such a drama-queen when things didn't go his way!

Rook sighed, hanging his head in defeat, and replied, "Of course not, _ma'jun_, it would be an honor."

"Great," Vanessa said with a cheeky grin pointed at Rook, "I'll just run home and get him." She then stood up from her chair across from Ben's and grabbed her things, saying, "And don't worry, he won't bite anyone's hand this time. This time I'll make sure to leave more than eight barrels of Dog Food behind for him."

It was only until after Vanessa had left the office that Max said, "Most likely his appetite returns _after_ she leaves the room."

Ben grinned at his grandpa's insult while Rook pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger in the universal sign of annoyance.

_**-BRoken-**_

Later that day, Vanessa returned to the Rook-Tennyson residence with Bandit by her side on a leash. "Ohh, Blonko!" she called out in a sing-song voice, releasing her hold on Bandit's leash.

Ben, who had just had a talk with his daughter, Bianca, about her current crush, was nearby and quickly scooped Bandit up into his arms. Ben brought Bandit's face up to his and gave him a little kiss on his head. Bandit responded with a happy "_Yip_!" and began licking Ben all over.

Vanessa had been watching the scene with curiosity and said, "Boy, normally when he does that he either bites the person or humps their leg!"

Ben managed to pull Bandit away from his face and replied with a grin, "Yeah, well, I'm a married man so..." Ben couldn't finish his sentence since Bandit wanted to lick his face some more.

Vanessa decided to give Ben a hand and so walked over, grabbed the vulpimancer puppy, and pulled him into her arms as she said, "That's enough, now come to mama!"

Bandit, however didn't want his 'mama', and tried to explain this by whimpering and wiggling violently in Vanessa's arms. Vanessa decided she'd had enough of the brat and said, "Awww, does baby want to play some more? Alright..." Then, without any warning she called out, "Ben! Catch!" and tossed Bandit over to Ben.

Ben scrambled to catch the puppy, but was successful nonetheless. He looked at the bundle of fur and slobbers in his arms with surprise, and then looked to Vanessa with a glare.

"Oh, don't give me that look, Ben," Vanessa said dismissively before perking up and adding, "now where is my _liu'jun_ (godson)? I have big news and I want him here to hear it!"

"I am here, _ma'jun_," Rook said as he entered their home's living room. "What is this big news you wish to share?"

Vanessa grinned smugly and said, "Well, I was having lunch at Mr. Gyro with an agent to some of the big name comedians to date and, to make a long story short-"

"If only you were capable of doing so, _ma'jun_," Rook said wryly.

Vanessa rolled her eyes but continued. "I have found us the perfect comedian to speak on your behalf, Ben, on cable, radio, and at a performance here in Belwood!"

Rook looked at Vanessa skeptically and asked, "Why would my husband need such a service?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Ben asked excitedly. "This is going to be awesome! My very own comedian to speak out against the nay-sayers, who nag us on a day-to-day basis for being too rough, when we save their ungrateful asses from the bad-guys!"

Rook sighed and hung his head in defeat (for what had to have been the umpteenth time today) and resignedly asked, "So which comedian have you hired?"

Vanessa's proud grin reached from ear to ear as she declared, "Jeff Dunham and Peanut!"

Rook's eyes widened in surprise, while Bandit squirmed, barking in Ben's arms when he let out his fangirl squeal.

"I _love_ Jeff Dunham and Peanut!" Ben exclaimed, not realizing how loudly or high-pitched he was.

Vanessa gave Ben a rather lewd look and said with a chuckle, "When _haven't_ you loved a man who puts his hand up another man's backside on a regular basis?"

"Shouldn't you be at your Hotel?" Ben snarked back as he glared at Vanessa. "Room 666?"

"Watch it, '_Benji_'." Vanessa snapped in an annoyed manner, using Ben's least favorite nickname (because it was invented by _him_). She swiped Bandit from Ben to cuddle and kiss him, rubbing her cheek on the top of his furry head, before sneering evilly. "Or I'll get _you_ fixed like I plan to fix him." Vanessa jerked her head in Bandit's direction.

Ben gulped in fear; she meant it! Vanessa already had two grandkids and wouldn't think twice about it. Hell, she would probably think she'd be doing the world a favor!

Rook sighed, rubbing his forehead as Vanessa walked over to the nearby mini-bar to make herself a congratulatory drink, leaving Bandit in Ben's care, to look at Ben. "Beloved, why do we need to have a comedian and his _sock_ aid us in improving our image?" Rook asked, exasperated. "We've worked with the Incursians, Memurian, Tetramand Red Wind Clans, and now we're making deals with a _puppet_?!"

"Rook, that _puppet_ is so famous and beloved that last year he topped over $200 Million in merchandising!"

Rook's eyes widened comically when Ben coolly stated the facts; his Heart's Flame might not have been book smart, but he knew how to follow the trends in the entertainment world. After all, Ben had long foreseen the benefits of investing in Sumo Slammers, and today that was their biggest source of income!

"I suppose," Rook said, sighing in resignation. "It couldn't hurt to try him out."

"Yes!" Ben exclaimed as he lifted Bandit up over his head like a Victory Football.

Vanessa ran back over to Ben, snatched Bandit from him, and held him protectively to her ample bosom. "I'm beginning to see why the kids feel safer with _me_!" Vanessa quipped as Ben rushed off to tell the Twins the news.

_**-BRoken-**_

Bianca was more overjoyed than Renoir, being that she took more after their Dad, while Ren was more like his Father: serious, studious, and dubious.

"Oh boy, Peanut!" Bianca exclaimed in joy as she bounced up and down from her seat at the coffee table in excitement. "I _love_ him!"

"When will he be here, Dad?" Ren inquired. "Because I want to know when I must put away my Proto-Tool in case _somebody_ decides to show off and shoot off Mr. Dunham's hair." He sent a teasing smirk towards his sister.

"That was _one_ time, and I was _five_, Ren," Bianca snapped defensively.

"It was _nine_ times, and it happened just last month." Renoir shot right back at her.

"Both of you stop it!" Ben scolded the two. "Cause if you embarrass me in front of Peanut..." Ben trailed off as he realized what he'd just said. "Well, if the fact that meeting a puppet is the highlight of my life isn't pathetic, I don't know what is."

As Ben continued to mutter to himself, Vanessa walked in. She snapped her fingers and, in a purple flash, all of Bandit's things, as well as forty-thousand barrels of dog food, appeared. "Now remember, Ben," she said with an intense glare, "this little Devil means the world to me!" As she spoke, she began placing several toys around Bandit who was still wrapped in both of Ben's arms (having never left them from earlier). Ben had no choice but to handing the pup to Ren, who grimaced as Bandit began to lick his face. "If I come back for him," she continued, "and find just _one_ little hair out of place on his body..." Vanessa's eyes glowed a neon purple, as her voice distorted and the house began to shake. "_**I'LL EVISCERATE YOU WITH A GOD-DAMN CEREAL SPOON!**_"

"GAAH!" Ben yelped in terror as everyone startled in alarm.

Vanessa then turned to a still wide-eyed Ren, and bowed down to place a gentle kiss on top of Bandit's head. "Bye-bye, baby, mommy has to go now!" she said to Bandit in a cheesy baby-talk accent as she rubbed his ears. "I love you! You're my life! Buh-bye!" She then disappeared in a purple flash, leaving the entire family shaken, and a little put off.

"You know...I do not think she even shows _me_ that much love and affection." Rook blankly states.

"She needs a boyfriend, _badly_!" Ben replied.

_**-BRoken-**_

The next day, the day that Jeff Dunham was due to show up, Ben was on the phone with a friend of the family, and former criminal/con artist, Argit.

"Collect boxes when _what_ is delivered, Argit?" Ben asked in confusion. "I said Jeff Dunham and Peanut are coming over! Not 'Drunhalm Peanuts'!" Ben shook his head in irritation as he neared Grandpa Max, who was seated on the couch reading a magazine. Max looked up from his magazine and at Ben in amusement.

"BENJAMIN!" A familiar Revonnahgander's voice barked out in anger all of a sudden.

"Oh, Argit, I'll have to call you back..._something_ just hit the fan," Ben said, not sure whether he'd rather deal with Argit or his husband at this minute.

Rook came stomping out with one foot bare and a boot in one hand with a nasty little _something_ attached to the end. "The Category is 'Vulpimancer', now, for twenty points, can anyone tell me what is on the bottom of my boot?" Rook growled out as he looked from Max to Ben, before settling on Ben with a glare. "Ahh, I believe the handsomely bearded submissive with emerald eyes buzzed in first." Rook said sarcastically.

Ben smiled nervously, flattered by the statement towards his beard and eyes, but awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other. "Did Bandit leave you a little gift?"

"Not just any gift, a _surprise_ gift. And do you want to know where I was surprised?"

"Um, no?"

"Then I suggest, Beloved, that you keep that beast's bowels under control." Rook then handed Ben his boot before stomping away, fussing in his native tongue.

Ben turned to Max, who had, during Rook's rant, gotten up to stand by Ben, and said, "Boy is this the biggest gross-out in the world. And yet, you spread it over your garden and you get a pickle the size of your forearm."

At that moment, the door-bell rang. Ben quickly handed the boot to Grandpa Max before running to the door. Opening the door, Ben was pleasantly surprised to see... "Jeff Dunham! Hello! Please, come in!"

Ben stood back and allowed Jeff to come inside. Noticing the white and purple puppet in Jeff's hand, Ben said, "Hello, Mr. Nut. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Are you coming onto me?" Peanut asked, taking Ben by surprise with his question. "Look, just cause I have _his_," at this, Peanut jerked his hand towards Jeff, "hand up my butt, doesn't mean I'm gay."

"What?!" Ben exclaimed incredulously.

"Not that there's anything wrong with being Gay," Peanut amended, "just don't assume cause I look _hot_ in purple that I'm swinging for your pitches, Tennyson."

Jeff had a nervous smile on his face as he said, "He's joking."

Peanut rolled his head as one might role their eyes. "_Duh_! NEEEEEYOW!" Peanut did his famous hand-over-head gesture. "Just joking with you, buddy."

Ben blinked in surprise before saying, "Oh, I see. So...what are you exactly?"

"A puppet!" Peanut replied enthusiastically before doing his cute 'tilt head to his right side with mouth slightly open' gesture.

Ben chuckled and said, "I mean: what _species_?"

"I'm velvet." Peanut turned his head to look at Jeff and said, "If he's our planet's savior, we're in _big_ trouble!"

Before Ben could start to feel offended, Rook stepped into the room, having finally found a pair of boots that Bandit _hadn't_ ruined, and said, "Mr. Dunham, welcome. Rook Blonko Tennyson."

"Thanks," Jeff replied, smiling.

Peanut made a throat clearing sound and said, "Uh, aren't you forgetting somebody?"

Ben gave Rook a look that clearly said if he wanted sex for the rest of his life he'd treat the puppet like a real person. So, having no choice in the matter, Rook smiled and said, "And...Peanut. Welcome."

Deciding Rook had done enough, for now, Ben said, "Why don't you make yourselves at home. Our children are dying to meet you."

"Teenagers, right?" Jeff asked as he followed Ben.

"Yep, Ren and Bi-Bi are both 16," Ben answered.

"Good, that means I won't have to censor myself so much," Peanut said before laughing.

_**-Broken-**_

Having Jeff and Peanut meet Bianca and Renoir actually went fairly smoothly. Jeff and Peanut did someone of their classic and clean routines (e.g. Peanut's mother naming her later children Eenee, Meenee, Minee, and Fred; 'What happened to Mo?' 'Oh she don't want no Mo!'). Amazingly, these jokes even managed to make Ren chuckle with true amusement.

When Max came back with refreshments (soda for the kids and champagne for the adults), Peanut asked, "Oh, is that for me?"

"I'll get you something, Peanut," Bianca said, sweet and sincere as she could be, before getting up and dashing excitedly to the kitchen.

Max chuckled as he watched his great-granddaughter get into the spirit of things. "How about a Purple Nipple Twister?" Max suggested.

Peanut looked straight at Max and said, with an annoyed tone, "I work alone, Gramps!"

At that moment, the front door opened and in walked Vanessa. Spotting their guests, Vanessa trotted over. "Sorry I'm late. Vanessa Masters."

"Whoa!" Peanut said as he slowly looked Vanessa up and down. In a suave voice he said, "_Bonjour_, sexy. I don't believe we've met." Peanut took Vanessa's hand and kissed. "Peanut. Just Peanut."

"Hello, Mr. Peanut," Vanessa replied, not all that impressed, but willing to give the puppet a shot.

"Oh, none of that 'Mr.' stuff," Peanut said. "Just 'Love-God' to you, baby." Eying her purple fur-rimmed coat, he then said, "I see you like purple. Great color for us both. How is it on the skin?"

"Well, it's a soft and comfortable fit," Vanessa replied.

"I'm rough, but I fit comfortably too," Peanut said. This caused Vanessa to chuckle, Ben to gape at the both of them, and Jeff to just roll his eyes.

"Well, doesn't this make my day," Vanessa said around her chuckles, "a guy is interested in me, and he's got a man's hand up his bum." She then walked off, now cackling like a witch.

Peanut watched Vanessa exit the room with wide eyes (or as wide as a puppet with sown-on eyes could get) before turning to Jeff and saying, "Whoa! Did you check that out? That was a 10 on the 1-10 scale of _smokin' hawt_!"

"Peanut!" Jeff cried out in admonishment.

"Hey, Ben'll agree with me: once you go purple, you never go back!"

_**-BRoken-**_

The following day, Vanessa was out having lunch with Jeff to discuss business particulars. Peanut had asked to stay home and get some rest before he hit the town with Vanessa later that night. So, with Bandit still wrapped in his right arm, Ben led Bianca upstairs to check on Peanut. Ben slowly opened the bedroom door and peaked around the corner, looking as innocent as he could. The bed was a mess; the sheet and throw scattered about willy-nilly, as though the bed's occupant was having a fitful sleep. And there, with his head on a pillow, face down, and with his arms and legs sprawled out, was Peanut.

Ben opened the door wider and stepped in, Bianca hot on his heels, and said, "Isn't that adorable?" Ben then turned to Bianca with a serious expression and added, "Bordering on psychotic, but adorable."

Bianca had been smiling in absolute glee, but then frowned and hissed out, "Shhh, shhh, don't wake him up, dad!"

Ben turned to look at Bianca with an incredulous look and replied, "Bi-Bi, your great-grandfather's snoring couldn't wake him up."

"Which one?" Bianca asked.

Ben grinned and, with a wink, said, "Either."

Bianca giggled at her dad's joke before her eyes zeroed on on an open suitcase on the opposite side of the room. "Look" she said, as she skipped over to the suitcase, "his little suits! How come Peanut doesn't wear them?"

Ben followed Bianca over to the suitcase and examined the shirts, pants, and jackets which were all several dozen sizes too big for Peanut. Looking up at his daughter, Ben said, "Bi-Bi, these are Jeff's suits."

Suddenly, Bianca gasped in horror, placing a hand over her heart as she did.

Ben rolled his eyes and said, "I don't know what you're gasping for, he's got a fine figure."

Bianca sputtered out a series of inarticulate sounds that had Ben struggling to keep from chuckling, while also pointing frantically at the bed.

Ben turned around and froze in horror: the bed was empty: covered in tufts of white wool and a few patches of purple fabric! And on the floor, at the foot of the bed was Bandit...with a mouthful of Peanut!

"Bandit!" they both exclaimed.

Ben was quickest to recover and so hit a button on his Omnitrix. The central control dial with the Plumber's insignia rose up and morphed to display a shadow image of an alien. Ben twisted the dial clockwise a few degrees before slamming his hand down on the dial. A bright flash of green later, and standing in Ben's place was…

"BEN-VIKTOR!" Ben Blinked incredulously. "What?! I ask for a fast one and I get the lumbering giant?"

"Daddy, he's got Peanut!" Bianca whimpered in fear and upset.

"Ok. Bi-Bi, okay." Ben-Viktor said before turning to Bandit, smiling sweetly as he lumbered slowly toward the wary Vulpimancer-puppy. "Good, Bandit. Nice, Bandit. Come to Uncle Ben. Bianca!" Ben-Viktor whispered harshly toward his daughter. "Don't make _any_ sudden moves..."

Bianca nodded in understanding. Her daddy was so smart sometimes.

"BANDIT!" Ben shouted as he lunged through the air, nails clicking on the hard-wood floor as Bandit scurried away, and a loud _bumf_ as the large Frankenstein figure of Ben Tennyson crashed onto the floor.

'_Then again_,' Bianca thought, her mouth agape in shock and horror.

"Ugh," Ben groaned as the watch timed out. Pushing himself off the Ben-Viktor sized hole in the floor. "Should've seen _that_ coming..."

Ben and Bianca frantically searched the house for the missing alien-puppy and puppet. Eventually, they found the little rascal near the front door. Ben was alarmed to see bits of purple felt around Bandit's mouth, but _no puppet_!

"There you are, Bandit!" Bianca cried out.

"Come here, Bandit! Good, boy," Ben said as he picked up the puppy in semi-relief; they weren't out of the woods yet. "Thank Azmuth that's over. Now what have you done with..." Ben 's initial suspicions were proven when Bandit burped and Peanut's lime green 'fishing-lure' hair-tuft popped out. Ben gingerly, with shaking fingers, picked what _had_ been Peanut's hair up off the floor.

"Bianca!" Ben chocked out in alarm. Bianca looked at the piece of hair confused, but knowing something was wrong. "Bandit _ate_ Peanut!" Ben cried.

Bianca squeaked in horror.

As for Bandit himself, he simply licked his chops; not a care in the world!

_**-BRoken-**_

Ben was currently in the kitchen; Bianca had gone up to her room to recover from the horror of seeing her (now) favorite comedy star eaten. Ben, though, was _really_ shook up, and _not_ just because Bandit ate Peanut (although that was a large part of it). No, it was the fact that _Rook was going to kill him_!

Ben held Bandit over the sink, the vulpi-puppy upside down and his legs waving in the air, as Ben shook him up and down.

"Come on, Bandit!" Ben begged the yipping alien dog. "Purge! Purge!" Finding no success with that method, Ben spun Bandit right-side up, frowning at him in frustration. "You want me to stick your paw down your throat?"

"Ahahahaaha!"

Ben turned to frown at his Grandpa, currently working on making sandwiches, but too busy laughing into the mayonnaise jar as he headed to the fridge.

"Grandpa Max, this isn't fun!" Ben scolded.

"Oh no, your right, Ben," snorted Max, "it's a tragedy..." He then quickly opened the fridge door and laughed into it. Finally getting a hold of himself, Max walked away from the fridge and finished putting the sandwiches together before putting them onto plates for the kids.

"You know what the worst thing is?" Ben sullenly asked. "Just because I've not always had the best attitude when chatting with the press; having an inappropriate sense of humor and causing thousands of dollars of unnecessary damages. Add to it: I suggested Vanessa leave Bandit with us, brought Bandit up to Jeff's room, and put him down so I could rifle through Jeff's personal things, Rook is gonna find some _crazy_ way to blame _all _of this on _me_!" While Ben spoke, he cuddled Bandit even though _he_ was responsible for Peanut's 'departure'.

"Actually, Ben, the worst part is..." Max stopped to chuckle, holding up a jar he'd pulled from the fridge, "...he forgot the mint jelly!" Max then lost all self-control and began cackling like a hyena.

"Stop it!" Ben said as he half-heartedly slapped his grandpa's arm. However, his own self-control was wavering, and soon his face cracked with a grin and he too began laughing. "It's...n-not...pffft..._funny_!"

And that was it, Ben began howling with laughter like his grandpa, momentarily forgetting just how serious the situation was. Bandit barked at all this commotion, and as a result, neither Ben nor Max heard the kitchen door open, or someone walk inside.

"Do you think...," Ben struggled to wipe tears of mirth as he spoke, "...when Rook hears that Peanut was eaten...it's gonna make us look really, really _bad_?!"

"WHAT!?" A voice exclaimed incredulously in horror. This got the laughing Grandfather and Grandson's attention; both of them turning to face the figure standing in front of the open kitchen door, eyes wide and shaking in disbelief.

"I was just telling Grandpa Max..." Ben began chuckling, before a long drawn out gasp burst out of his mouth...because the person was _Vanessa_!

"BLONKOOOOO!" Vanessa screamed as she turned to dart out of the kitchen. Ben tossed Bandit into Max's arms and sprinted after the sorceress.

"HEAD HER OFF, BENJAMIN, YOU CAN DO IT!" Max shouted after his grandson in encouragement.

Somewhere in the back of Ben's head, as he chased after Vanessa, a motivational piano piece played, as if goading him to go faster and further.

As the the two ran through the house, Vanessa attempted to create road blocks for Ben, even going so far as to push Renoir out of her path as he carefully moved a chess board with pieces on it from the coffee table to the dining room table. Of course, Ben could not help bet check to make sure that his son was alright; helping him up to his feet, and placing an affectionate kiss on the top of his head.

Ben was almost there...just a few more steps...

BAM! Ben hit the suddenly closed door at full speed and landed promptly on his ass.

Ben managed to sit himself upright just in time to see his husband glowering at him from the, now open, doorway.

"So, Benjamin, do you have anything to say?" Rook asked.

"Uhhh, you're awfully sexy when your mad?" Ben replied with a sheepish grin.

Rook rolled his eyes, turned around 180 degrees and slowly walked back into the office. Ben followed behind him on his knees as he cried, "Oh, Rook, why aren't you saying anything? You're scaring me! I like it better when you yell and scream! Please, let it out!"

"That's right, Blonko!" Vanessa exclaimed, grinning happily; sadistically enjoying the torment Ben was going through. Maybe Rook would divorce Ben, take the kids and alimony, and live with her on Revonnah! "After all, let's not forget who's responsible for this!"

Rook levelled a dark glare at Vanessa and answered, "Your vulpimancer."

Vanessa's grin froze on her face, and her head bowed in shame as she said, "Right..." She then backed away from Rook and Ben, deciding to just be an observer.

Rook casually placed an arm around his husband's shoulder as he said, "Now, _Beloved_, what would you like me to say, hmm? Public opinion of you is dropping because of your collateral damage, and what may have been our only hope..._your_ only hope...is now settled within the stomach of a vulpimancer puppy."

Ben turned to look at Rook with a forced grin and replied, "Oh, let's not be nay-sayers."

"...He ate THE DUMMY!" Rook growled as he turned to face Ben.

Ben placed his hands on either side of Rook's face, smiling lovinly as he said, "Now your back with me," before trying to make a break for it. Rook, of course, slammed the door shut just as Ben had began to pull it open.

"It is _your_ fault," Rook said, "you were responsible for that fur-covered colon."

"Well, I said it," Ben replied after a moment, "I knew you'd find a way to blame this on me."

"That he did!" Max's voice called out from behind the door.

"But I've got a plan," Ben said with a self-satisfied smile. Rook simply looking at him disbelievingly.

"That he does!" Max's voice called out again.

"And, as you know," Ben said, smug grin in place as he posed himself heroicly against the door, "my plans never fail."

When only silence met Ben's statement, Ben gave the door a few kicks with the heel of his left foot.

"Ahahahaha!" Max laughed.

_**-BRoken-**_

"Dad, are you sure this will work?" Ren asked, worried for his father...and for the angry mob that was most likely to besiege them if they got anymore unpopular.

"Of course, now let's get started," Ben said as he looked around in confusion. "Where's Vanessa?"

The sorceress entered the room holding several purple dresses in her arms. With a look of absolute displeasure, she dropped them on top of Ben's lap. "Here are my dresses, Vanessa grumbled, "and I hope you choke on them!"

"Dad, you're going to make a new Peanut out of Aunt V's dresses?" Bianca asked, mouth agape at this idea unfolding before her.

"Not only that," Vanessa huffed out, sitting in a chair and crossing her arms and legs, "he says _I_ have to help him out!"

"Well, it was _your_ pup that ate the idol of millions," Ben pointed out.

Vanessa fixed Ben with a deadpan stare. "I just want it on the record that I _tried_ to raise my hand at your wedding to my Blonko!" Vanessa growled.

Ben blinked amazed, not that she objected to his marrying Rook, but that she hadn't done so.

"Why didn't you?" Ben asked, curious about the woman.

"Your mother and father sort of sat on my hands," Vanessa answered with a sheepish shrug.

"Well, now your hands are free," Ben said with a chuckle as he pulled out a pair of scissors. "So, come on and help us make a Woozle."

"Ohhh," Vanessa groaned with a pout, picking up a measuring tape and spool, "how come _my_ dresses have to be used?"

"Because you're the only one with a _truckload_ of velvet-purple dresses," Ben stated. "Now, let's get to work!"

About two hours later, Vanessa, Ben, Renoir, and Bianca found themselves standing before a lumpy figure seated on the table. Vanessa was still holding the glue gun, Ren was still holding some fake eyes, and Bianca was still holding a piece of green fuzz.

"Eyes," Ben ordered.

Ren quickly handed a pair of eyes to Ben.

"Hot Glue."

Vanessa applied glue to the top of the doll's head.

"Fuzz."

Bianca handed the fuzz over.

Rook, of course, chose that moment to enter the kitchen. Staring dumbfoundedly at the monstrosity being created by his husband, children, and _ma'jun_, he said, "Oh, no. Are you insane?!" Rook strode over to Ben's side to see just how deep in it they all were.

"Rook, relax," Ben said with a smile. "I once accidentally destroyed Grandpa Louis' toupee, and I made an exact replica out of the toilet seat cover!"

"That looked real?!" Ren asked, unconvinced.

"Yeah. Plus, he matched the towels," Ben replied.

"That's alright, Mr. Dunham, I'll get it for you!" Grandpa Max cried out from across the kitchen door. This gave Bianca, Vanessa, Ben, and Renoir the chance to clear off the table, which was covered in arts and crafts materials. Rook, meanwhile, was pacing back and forth rubbing his forehead as a headache began to set in.

"Incoming," Max mumbled as he entered the kitchen, with Jeff Dunham following behind.

"Thanks, Max," Jeff said, since Max had held the door open for him.

Max simply smiled and hummed and affirmative before letting go of the door.

"High, Jeff!" Ben said, as Jeff walked over to the table, "we were just sitting around, here, talking to Peanut." As Jeff moved to stand beside Ben, Ben turned his make-shift Peanut doll around to face Jeff.

Jeff's eyes widened in horror as he took in the sight of fake Peanut. It looked like a sock wearing a green mop-head! Jeff then looked to Ben, arms crossed over his chest, looking very upset.

"You know," Ben explained, "Bianca wanted to give him a makeover-"

"Hey!" Bianca cried out, feeling betrayed.

"-but it may have gotten a little out of control. Kids: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, you know?"

"What have you done with him?" Jeff asked, certainly not amused by the present situation. "This isn't Peanut!"

"What, I think he's got a very earthy quality. Rook-Chop!" Ben said.

Rook could only whimper as his family name, like it's reputation, were dishonored. Gathering what courage, and honor, there was left, Rook said, "Jeff, I believe we owe you an explanation."

"You think?" Jeff said bitingly as he sat down at the table, looking at Faux-Nut with absolute disdain.

While Vanessa frantically started to help fold away the clothes she brought in from the adjacent laundry room, if only to avoid the blow out and the possibility of it being directed toward her, Jeff sat down at the table while Ben and Rook approached him warily.

"Oh, Mr. Dunham, you really shouldn't be angry at Rook," Ben said with a nervous frown, eyes looking all over the kitchen in alarm. "The truth of the matter is...HER VULPIMANCER ATE PEANUT!" Ben's exclamation was punctuated by him pulling Vanessa away from the clean laundry and into Jeff's line of sight while he backed away to be near Ren and Bianca.

Vanessa froze up at being so utterly outed. She cringed, just imagining her career going down the drain. But, on the bright side, she could always stick Ben into a guillotine before Jeff Dunham could even say the words 'law suit'! "Well...I don't think anyone is _really_ to be blamed for this," Vanessa said around slightly clenched teeth, trying to placate the comedian. "I mean...I admit I wanted to get Ben in trouble, but I would _never_ have left Bandit here if I thought he'd eat someone well loved!" Vanessa turned to Ben and gave him a sarcastic smile. "Which is why I wanted _you_ to have him, Ben." Vanessa frowned at Ben before growling darkly at the hero. "Since no one would miss you when he ATE YOU!"

"Oh, if only he'd eat you, V," Max muttered as he shook out a towel.

"Look, Peanut!" Bianca explained and pointed at the towel Max had just shook. The puppet appeared to be clinging to the towel via static electricity, and there were bits of white and purple fabric sprinkled about (also being affected by static cling).

Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief as Jeff jumped out of his chair and ran to fetch his dummy as he exclaimed, "Peanut!"

"I guess Bandit didn't eat him," Renoir said. "He must have dropped her down the laundry shoot just like I used to do to Bi..."

All eyes turned to Renoir, who was blushing at the accidentally revealed secret. It was a testament to his bravery that he hadn't started running yet.

"Bi...cause I have homework to do! That's why I should be in my bedroom and not down here." Renoir amended before quickly grabbing Bianca's hand and dashing out.

"Blech!" Peanut exclaimed as he spat out bits of lint stuck in his mouth.

"Oh, thank God you're okay!" Jeff said, looking Peanut straight in the eye.

"Okay?! Speak for yourself!" Peanut replied. "I was practically strangled by one of the old guy's Hawaiian t-shirts! Seriously, is that _all_ you wear?"

Max shrugged, not really embarrassed about his style preference, and said, "They're comfortable."

Vanessa snorted and said, "They make you stand out like a sore thumb and make your spare tire more prominent."

Rook moved closer to Jeff and Peanut and said, "I am deeply sorry for this, Mr. Dunham."

"Oh will you just shut up! I am out of this deal!"Peanut shot back.

Jeff gave Peanut a pleading look and said, "Peanut, let's not be hasty."

Peanut moved in closer to Jeff and replied, "Let's not forget who owns 52%," spitting out the last syllable into Jeff's eye.

Jeff looked to Rook and Ben and, with a sheepish smile, said, "We're out of here." Jeff then stood up and, with Peanut still in his grasp, started towards to door leading out of the kitchen.

Ben wasn't about to let it end here, though. Deciding to play one last card he said, "Well, if he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to do it. Maybe we can get Gabriel Iglesias to do the job."

To Ben's amusement, and Rook's astonishment, this statement caused Jeff to stop in his tracks and turn around with an absolutely shocked look. Peanut, on the other hand, angrily exclaimed, "_Gabriel Iglesias_?! That fat-ass Mexican who played the DJ on 'Magic Mike'?"

"Of course," Ben replied with a smirk, "his humor's so universal, he's even done his standup in front of Middle Easterns."

Rook looked from his husband, to Peanut, and then back to his husband before grinning as he caught on to Ben's plan.

Jeff looked to Peanut and said, "Maybe you are overreacting?"

Vanessa took it from there, and sauntered over to Peanut. "Why don't we take this into the office; just the _two_ of us."

Peanut gave Jeff a look and said, "Well you heard her!"

Before anyone could raise a brow, Vanessa carried Peanut out of the kitchen and into the office _without_ Jeff!

**-End-**


End file.
